“Missing? Misplaced? Stolen!” I felt the blood rush to my head as I realized with horror that someone had sneaked into my room and taken off with my laptop.
It was 3.45 am at Port of Spain, Trinidad and Tobago. I was at the guestroom of the ISKCON temple, waiting for the ride that would take me to the airport for my flight to Panama. Shanta Vigraha P, the devotee who had coordinated my visit there and who was to drive me to the airport, had been slightly delayed. Meanwhile, I had thought of using the restroom, which was in an adjacent room. Before going there, I had locked the door of the guestroom. But then I went back to open that door slightly, thinking that as the atmosphere outside was hot and mosquito-ridden, Shanta Vigraha P would be more comfortable inside the guestroom than outside. When I returned a few minutes later, he had still not reached, but apparently someone had come in and stolen my MacBook Air laptop.
As the reality that I had been robbed sank into me, I felt first numbed and then infuriated. I rushed out, but, as expected, no one was there. The temple passageway was deserted. I called Shanta Vigraha P and told him about the theft. He too was shocked and assured me that he would reach in a few minutes.
The outer theft and the inner tirade
I was beating myself up mentally, at my stupidity in keeping the door open. When things go wrong, anger is natural. Amidst such anger, we often seek some channel for expressing that anger by directing it to whoever we can blame for things going wrong. But when we ourselves are to blame, the anger that gets concentrated on ourselves can be stultifying and paralyzing.
In my pre-devotional days, a major problem I faced was self-hatred. I used to be angry with myself most of the time for not being the kind of person I wanted to be. Self-acceptance and the ensuing freedom from self-flagellation had been one of the unexpected benefits of practicing bhakti. Gita wisdom had helped me understand that Krishna accepted me the way I was. Despite my flaws and follies, he didn’t abandon me; he always remained in my heart, trying to guide me to become better. Undoubtedly, Krishna wanted me to improve, but he still accepted me as I was. Meditating on his acceptance of me had helped me accept myself, and that self-acceptance had freed my mental energy to work on self-improvement.
Despite this self-acceptance, traces of that old weakness of self-hatred remain and resurface intermittently. After the theft of my laptop, I found myself being targeted by my mind’s full-fledged attack: “Why did you have to be so dumb as to keep that door open?” This question was pounding inside me, as if on an auto-loop; and with each iteration of the loop, the volume of the question was rising.
Meanwhile, Shanta Vigraha P reached the temple and enquired about the laptop. In a few minutes, he […]
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