Author Archives: Parama Karuna dasa

Travels Calling (Again)
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I thought I was settled but up in the air again. Travels are calling, perhaps it’s in my blood, at least says so on my palm. But not aimless wandering as I am truly looking for a home. A place to do some service and also help change the world. Where that place will be remains to be seen, but this summer we will try to find out. Hope to meet you there.

Travels Calling (Again)
→ Servant's Report

I thought I was settled but up in the air again. Travels are calling, perhaps it’s in my blood, at least says so on my palm. But not aimless wandering as I am truly looking for a home. A place to do some service and also help change the world. Where that place will be remains to be seen, but this summer we will try to find out. Hope to meet you there.

Walking
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Now that I am living only four miles from the temple I sometimes walk home. It is a pleasant walk, mostly avoiding the main highways and taking a particularly nice country road surrounded by forest, farms and cows. You can hear the birds singing and see hawks flying overhead. You have time to think and appreciate the Lord’s amazing creation. When I am walking I imagine going back to a much simpler time where walking was the primary means of transport. How I wish I were back in that time again. Everything you need you can get to by foot. If you want to visit a friend or the doctor you just walk a few minutes. Or if you have to go to another town you walk for a couple of days, maybe a week, sleeping along the roadside or in a friendly person’s barn. I love being able to just get somewhere not depending on anything except my own two feet. No car and all of its hassles. No rides from others.

But these days it is practically impossible not to own a car. Maybe if you live in a big city like New York, but you are still dependent on public transport. I always wanted to travel around the country by foot. I felt that this would allow me to more fully understand my dependence on the Lord alone; how He is actually maintaining and supplying everything we need. Driving in a car I felt too much safety. Safety from the elements and from strangers. Ironically in so many ways driving is by far more dangerous. So it is simply a false sense of security, allowing us to hide away from our external fears and in doing so hide away from the basic activities of nature and living interaction.

Maybe one day we will run out of oil and be forced to go back to walking. Of course our towns will have to become localized again and then so will our community. In fact, this could allow for real community to form again, not the artificial or virtual one we experience today. I do long for that day.

Walking
→ Servant's Report

Now that I am living only four miles from the temple I sometimes walk home. It is a pleasant walk, mostly avoiding the main highways and taking a particularly nice country road surrounded by forest, farms and cows. You can hear the birds singing and see hawks flying overhead. You have time to think and appreciate the Lord’s amazing creation. When I am walking I imagine going back to a much simpler time where walking was the primary means of transport. How I wish I were back in that time again. Everything you need you can get to by foot. If you want to visit a friend or the doctor you just walk a few minutes. Or if you have to go to another town you walk for a couple of days, maybe a week, sleeping along the roadside or in a friendly person’s barn. I love being able to just get somewhere not depending on anything except my own two feet. No car and all of its hassles. No rides from others.

But these days it is practically impossible not to own a car. Maybe if you live in a big city like New York, but you are still dependent on public transport. I always wanted to travel around the country by foot. I felt that this would allow me to more fully understand my dependence on the Lord alone; how He is actually maintaining and supplying everything we need. Driving in a car I felt too much safety. Safety from the elements and from strangers. Ironically in so many ways driving is by far more dangerous. So it is simply a false sense of security, allowing us to hide away from our external fears and in doing so hide away from the basic activities of nature and living interaction.

Maybe one day we will run out of oil and be forced to go back to walking. Of course our towns will have to become localized again and then so will our community. In fact, this could allow for real community to form again, not the artificial or virtual one we experience today. I do long for that day.

Servant's Report 2007-04-20 12:54:51
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Emotions all mixed up. Thoughts bring dualities, one moment happiness and then distress. I have someone, finally, a spiritual partner- dreaming of this my whole life. But then mother is now in the hospital, broken down after years of struggle. I’m with a spiritual master, serving and learning. But sister is not better, no end in sight.

I don’t know where I’m going, afraid to plan. For when everything seems to be falling into place, just like that all topsy-turvy again, like the castle in the sand.

Servant's Report 2007-04-20 12:54:51
→ Servant's Report

Emotions all mixed up. Thoughts bring dualities, one moment happiness and then distress. I have someone, finally, a spiritual partner- dreaming of this my whole life. But then mother is now in the hospital, broken down after years of struggle. I’m with a spiritual master, serving and learning. But sister is not better, no end in sight.

I don’t know where I’m going, afraid to plan. For when everything seems to be falling into place, just like that all topsy-turvy again, like the castle in the sand.

Changing Signs
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A friend recently told me about how she got her Vedic astrological chart done and it turned out that she was a different sign all together from her Western one. This is because the Vedic one calculates based on the moon rather than the sun, or something like that. So she encouraged me to get mine done too, and I’ve already been thinking about it. But now I’m worried. You see, up to this point I’ve really identified with my Western sign. Since the time my grandmother told me I was a Pisces when I was a young boy I have always seen the many similarities described about that sign in my own personality, both the good and bad. Although it wasn’t easy, I liked being a Pisces. The dreamer and spiritual seeker. Sometimes irresponsible but if he gets his head out of the clouds can do great things in this world. And she also told me about avoiding fire signs—although we would be attracted to each other, we would clash. So whenever I met a fire sign I warned myself to watch out. Stay away, if possible. I did end up having relationships with them and yes, it was never boring.

But now I question myself, if I get my Vedic chart done, what if I’m also something different? Or even worse, what if I am a dreaded fire sign? How will things change? Will I become like them? Was I always that way, but just never realized it? Who am I and who have I been all this time? Did I just become what I thought I was supposed to be based on my sign? Sometimes it is said that we are simply actors on a stage. We make up an image we want others to perceive us as, and often even fool ourselves.

These questions make us realize that we are conditioned in so many ways, and therefore develop various identities based on that conditioning. If it’s not from our sign, it’s based on our race, sex, country or ethnicity. The Gita explains that these are all false conceptions, but the real self is none of these things. The body is actually always changing—in this life from childhood to youth and youth to old age; and changes again into another body at death. But the soul is unchangeable, something completely different. Another friend told me how she was a singer since a young age and then one day, due to overuse of her vocal chords, couldn’t sing anymore. It proved to be a life changing experience as she then questioned her identity and began seriously her spiritual pursuit.

So maybe this will prove to be a good thing; that I will be able to renounce my attachment to my birth sign and the conditioning resulting in that; the story I’ve told myself about my life. For I am beyond all of these things– I am an eternal soul, servant of the Supreme Lord. That, and that alone, is all I need to realize. With that said, I still hope that I won’t be a fire sign.

Changing Signs
→ Servant's Report

A friend recently told me about how she got her Vedic astrological chart done and it turned out that she was a different sign all together from her Western one. This is because the Vedic one calculates based on the moon rather than the sun, or something like that. So she encouraged me to get mine done too, and I’ve already been thinking about it. But now I’m worried. You see, up to this point I’ve really identified with my Western sign. Since the time my grandmother told me I was a Pisces when I was a young boy I have always seen the many similarities described about that sign in my own personality, both the good and bad. Although it wasn’t easy, I liked being a Pisces. The dreamer and spiritual seeker. Sometimes irresponsible but if he gets his head out of the clouds can do great things in this world. And she also told me about avoiding fire signs—although we would be attracted to each other, we would clash. So whenever I met a fire sign I warned myself to watch out. Stay away, if possible. I did end up having relationships with them and yes, it was never boring.

But now I question myself, if I get my Vedic chart done, what if I’m also something different? Or even worse, what if I am a dreaded fire sign? How will things change? Will I become like them? Was I always that way, but just never realized it? Who am I and who have I been all this time? Did I just become what I thought I was supposed to be based on my sign? Sometimes it is said that we are simply actors on a stage. We make up an image we want others to perceive us as, and often even fool ourselves.

These questions make us realize that we are conditioned in so many ways, and therefore develop various identities based on that conditioning. If it’s not from our sign, it’s based on our race, sex, country or ethnicity. The Gita explains that these are all false conceptions, but the real self is none of these things. The body is actually always changing—in this life from childhood to youth and youth to old age; and changes again into another body at death. But the soul is unchangeable, something completely different. Another friend told me how she was a singer since a young age and then one day, due to overuse of her vocal chords, couldn’t sing anymore. It proved to be a life changing experience as she then questioned her identity and began seriously her spiritual pursuit.

So maybe this will prove to be a good thing; that I will be able to renounce my attachment to my birth sign and the conditioning resulting in that; the story I’ve told myself about my life. For I am beyond all of these things– I am an eternal soul, servant of the Supreme Lord. That, and that alone, is all I need to realize. With that said, I still hope that I won’t be a fire sign.

On the Fringe
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What if I just remained on the fringe of society for the rest of my life? Sleeping in the car, showering at the gym, cooking in the park, and reading at the library and bookstore. Not many would notice my existence. Not many would care. I would not cause any harm to others, right? Maybe the few I talked to and gave books to would get some benefit. And friends and family? They would be alright without me. God is taking care of all living entities with or without my help.

But couldn’t you actually accomplish something more within the world? What about your destiny? What is my destiny? If I knew it then I would try to act upon it. SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO IN THIS LIFE! But there is no one to tell me. Have to figure it out on my own. And so far, I can’t. So better to be on the fringe and cause no harm…

On the Fringe
→ Servant's Report

What if I just remained on the fringe of society for the rest of my life? Sleeping in the car, showering at the gym, cooking in the park, and reading at the library and bookstore. Not many would notice my existence. Not many would care. I would not cause any harm to others, right? Maybe the few I talked to and gave books to would get some benefit. And friends and family? They would be alright without me. God is taking care of all living entities with or without my help.

But couldn’t you actually accomplish something more within the world? What about your destiny? What is my destiny? If I knew it then I would try to act upon it. SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO IN THIS LIFE! But there is no one to tell me. Have to figure it out on my own. And so far, I can’t. So better to be on the fringe and cause no harm…

Last Days
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I’m winding down the last days of 2006 living in my Volvo, scrounging for different bathrooms and places to plug in the computer, not to mention finding free internet signals. Yes, this is homelessness for the new century.

For me, it’s a chance to finally be out on my own. No dependence on family or temples. No comfort to make me fat and lazy. Just out there, on the road, meeting different people, having different unique adventures and experiences. It forces me to distribute books too, for it’s my only way to make money for gas and food. And in order to distribute you have to be Krishna conscious. Keep the sadhana going and be regularly reading the books. For it is not a mundane affair, that if you just have some business sense or a sales person mentality you can do it. No, you gotta be on a higher plane, or at least seriously aspiring towards that.

But you may think that perhaps I’m going backwards. After all, I’m supposed to be heading for the life of responsibility. And I was to some degree. Did some work for my father and took the job at the mall. Passed the CBEST and all I had to do was put in the applications and maybe I could have gotten a job as a sub. But something has been stopping me, and I’m not sure what it is. Fear of that life. Fear of settling, compromising on my dreams (whatever they are). Fear of being ordinary.

So maybe I am going backwards. But sometimes it’s needed to go forward again, this time in the proper direction. Not simply based on what society expects of you.

Last Days
→ Servant's Report

I’m winding down the last days of 2006 living in my Volvo, scrounging for different bathrooms and places to plug in the computer, not to mention finding free internet signals. Yes, this is homelessness for the new century.

For me, it’s a chance to finally be out on my own. No dependence on family or temples. No comfort to make me fat and lazy. Just out there, on the road, meeting different people, having different unique adventures and experiences. It forces me to distribute books too, for it’s my only way to make money for gas and food. And in order to distribute you have to be Krishna conscious. Keep the sadhana going and be regularly reading the books. For it is not a mundane affair, that if you just have some business sense or a sales person mentality you can do it. No, you gotta be on a higher plane, or at least seriously aspiring towards that.

But you may think that perhaps I’m going backwards. After all, I’m supposed to be heading for the life of responsibility. And I was to some degree. Did some work for my father and took the job at the mall. Passed the CBEST and all I had to do was put in the applications and maybe I could have gotten a job as a sub. But something has been stopping me, and I’m not sure what it is. Fear of that life. Fear of settling, compromising on my dreams (whatever they are). Fear of being ordinary.

So maybe I am going backwards. But sometimes it’s needed to go forward again, this time in the proper direction. Not simply based on what society expects of you.

Happiness Without Fear
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“In the liberated state of affairs, the full-fledged affection for the Lord is awakened. As such, there is an unlimited flow of everlasting happiness, without the fear of its being broken as we have experienced here in the material world. The relationship with the Lord is never broken; thus there is no grief and no fear” (Srimad-Bhagavatam 2.7.47 purport).

I remember whenever I would experience some sort of happiness, when things would start to go well in my life, immediately the fear of loss would rush into my consciousness. “When is this going to end?” I knew it would. It always did. After some time of experiencing this duality of gain and loss the fear would take over. This happened with relationships, this happened with school and work, even (or especially) on drugs. I would be high as a kite, oblivious to the world, but then came the comedown. Even the onset of comedown would bring fear and grief. Why does it have to end? Why can’t I be like this forever? And sometimes those comedowns were extremely hard. From so high to so low, just like that.

Because of this fear we may not want to enter into any sort of relationships. Why go through all of the trouble if it will simply end sooner or later? Then we become a bitter hermit who hides from the world (I speak from experience here too). But this will not solve the problem. We have to have relationships. We have to have real love. And as the above quote states, that real ever-lasting relationship exists between the soul and God. Only in that relationship do we never have to fear loss, for it is eternal. Even without our knowledge the relationship still exists, as God is within our heart always watching over us. And when we turn our love back to Him then we experience this “everlasting happiness” which we are all searching for.

Happiness Without Fear
→ Servant's Report

“In the liberated state of affairs, the full-fledged affection for the Lord is awakened. As such, there is an unlimited flow of everlasting happiness, without the fear of its being broken as we have experienced here in the material world. The relationship with the Lord is never broken; thus there is no grief and no fear” (Srimad-Bhagavatam 2.7.47 purport).

I remember whenever I would experience some sort of happiness, when things would start to go well in my life, immediately the fear of loss would rush into my consciousness. “When is this going to end?” I knew it would. It always did. After some time of experiencing this duality of gain and loss the fear would take over. This happened with relationships, this happened with school and work, even (or especially) on drugs. I would be high as a kite, oblivious to the world, but then came the comedown. Even the onset of comedown would bring fear and grief. Why does it have to end? Why can’t I be like this forever? And sometimes those comedowns were extremely hard. From so high to so low, just like that.

Because of this fear we may not want to enter into any sort of relationships. Why go through all of the trouble if it will simply end sooner or later? Then we become a bitter hermit who hides from the world (I speak from experience here too). But this will not solve the problem. We have to have relationships. We have to have real love. And as the above quote states, that real ever-lasting relationship exists between the soul and God. Only in that relationship do we never have to fear loss, for it is eternal. Even without our knowledge the relationship still exists, as God is within our heart always watching over us. And when we turn our love back to Him then we experience this “everlasting happiness” which we are all searching for.

Only Him
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He looks at her from across the meadow. Her brownish hair waves in the wind as she dances and smiles, but not at him. He realizes she has no interest in him as much as he longs for her. It was always like that with every girl. The one he liked could care less. Is that why he liked them? To torture himself? Just then he noticed another looking in his direction, with that same expression of want. But this time, he was the one who did not reciprocate. “Why is it that we always are looking for the one who is looking for someone else?” he wondered. “Why can’t we find the one who could fully repose our love?” Then it hit him, it’s only Krishna who could do that. Only Krishna who loves everyone, unconditionally. Only He who no matter how many turn toward Him can truly satisfy their feelings. Only Him.

Only Him
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He looks at her from across the meadow. Her brownish hair waves in the wind as she dances and smiles, but not at him. He realizes she has no interest in him as much as he longs for her. It was always like that with every girl. The one he liked could care less. Is that why he liked them? To torture himself? Just then he noticed another looking in his direction, with that same expression of want. But this time, he was the one who did not reciprocate. “Why is it that we always are looking for the one who is looking for someone else?” he wondered. “Why can’t we find the one who could fully repose our love?” Then it hit him, it’s only Krishna who could do that. Only Krishna who loves everyone, unconditionally. Only He who no matter how many turn toward Him can truly satisfy their feelings. Only Him.

My Father’s New House
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I’m staying at my father’s new house in Gainesville. He’s finally done it, after all these years. Bought his own house and moved back to his favorite place. And I’m happy for him. Of course, to tell you the truth, when I first found out that he was planning to do this I was a bit surprised and maybe even a little disappointed. After all, he is almost 58, which in Vedic culture is a time to be winding down one’s material responsibilities and preparing for the final exam of leaving this world, not accumulating a mortgage and tons of debt. One is supposed to have gone through the full life experience and now, children grown, pass things off to them and have time and energy to fully focus on one’s spiritual life.

But he has sacrificed much of his life for service. This is the first time he’ll have owned property in his entire life, which is more surprising given the fact that he’s been a successful attorney for the past 25 years. He sacrificed his youth to living in and running a temple, for the first couple years barely able to pay for food. He worked tirelessly in that position, and then even more so when he became a lawyer. Instead of making a healthy living, he worked mostly for the movement, losing much income to preserve and protect the mission his spiritual master had given him. We were never in want, but we didn’t have the most comforts either. Mostly we lived modestly and the sometimes embellishments were brought about by his going into debt.

So now he has this house and he deserves to enjoy. He still has hopes for service in a new field and maybe will be able to serve more now than he ever has. But he also has to worry about paying that mortgage and the many other bills associated with it. And he’s not getting any younger. Where will he get the energy? What if he starts developing serious health problems? I guess we can’t let these kinds of questions stop us from taking risks in life. Otherwise, we would never be able to do anything.

But when I look at my own life, I wonder about the future and how much I want to become invested in this society. In “getting my share”. In other words, going about the normal routine of job, home, family and the rest. How long will this society continue? When will a major war take place? When will economic collapse occur? When will a hurricane or earthquake come along and destroy everything? Or simply when will death come? Once again, we can’t think about these questions all the time and plan our life accordingly, living in bomb shelters or germ-free biospheres. I recently heard that the reason BV, my former gurukula (spiritual boarding school) folded was because it bought the land based on small initial payments and then a balloon payment five years down the road. They agreed to this deal thinking that a war would come by then and therefore they wouldn’t ever have to pay it.

However, at the present rate I don’t think this society can last much longer. So how could I just go about my life as if nothing were wrong? I have to do something meaningful to help change take place. I can’t just worry about my socio-economic position. I saw a couple of nice documentaries last night. One was called The Corporation, a vivid expose of the utter power and nightmarish effects the modern corporations have upon us all. I didn’t watch the whole thing, but saw enough to get the point. Hopefully I’ll be able to watch it in full another time. The other, I can’t remember the name, was about a lady named Helen Kolnukaff?, who at one point 25 years ago became one of the leaders of the anti-nuclear arms movement by giving up her profession as a medical doctor to travel all around the world and write books about the horrors and politics of nuclear war. In this doc she has written a new book all these years later and struggles to bring people back to the issues in a changing environment of corporate control and mass media and the overall apathy of people today. Although going through many obstacles, she connects on a grassroots level and gradually through her optimistic mentality begins to spark the movement again. She said at one point that a cynic is simply an optimist who has given up.

In seeing these I validated my understanding of the terrible circumstances we face today in society and the great need for change. And I also realized that with determination and faith in God one person can make a difference. But can I be that person?

My Father’s New House
→ Servant's Report

I’m staying at my father’s new house in Gainesville. He’s finally done it, after all these years. Bought his own house and moved back to his favorite place. And I’m happy for him. Of course, to tell you the truth, when I first found out that he was planning to do this I was a bit surprised and maybe even a little disappointed. After all, he is almost 58, which in Vedic culture is a time to be winding down one’s material responsibilities and preparing for the final exam of leaving this world, not accumulating a mortgage and tons of debt. One is supposed to have gone through the full life experience and now, children grown, pass things off to them and have time and energy to fully focus on one’s spiritual life.

But he has sacrificed much of his life for service. This is the first time he’ll have owned property in his entire life, which is more surprising given the fact that he’s been a successful attorney for the past 25 years. He sacrificed his youth to living in and running a temple, for the first couple years barely able to pay for food. He worked tirelessly in that position, and then even more so when he became a lawyer. Instead of making a healthy living, he worked mostly for the movement, losing much income to preserve and protect the mission his spiritual master had given him. We were never in want, but we didn’t have the most comforts either. Mostly we lived modestly and the sometimes embellishments were brought about by his going into debt.

So now he has this house and he deserves to enjoy. He still has hopes for service in a new field and maybe will be able to serve more now than he ever has. But he also has to worry about paying that mortgage and the many other bills associated with it. And he’s not getting any younger. Where will he get the energy? What if he starts developing serious health problems? I guess we can’t let these kinds of questions stop us from taking risks in life. Otherwise, we would never be able to do anything.

But when I look at my own life, I wonder about the future and how much I want to become invested in this society. In “getting my share”. In other words, going about the normal routine of job, home, family and the rest. How long will this society continue? When will a major war take place? When will economic collapse occur? When will a hurricane or earthquake come along and destroy everything? Or simply when will death come? Once again, we can’t think about these questions all the time and plan our life accordingly, living in bomb shelters or germ-free biospheres. I recently heard that the reason BV, my former gurukula (spiritual boarding school) folded was because it bought the land based on small initial payments and then a balloon payment five years down the road. They agreed to this deal thinking that a war would come by then and therefore they wouldn’t ever have to pay it.

However, at the present rate I don’t think this society can last much longer. So how could I just go about my life as if nothing were wrong? I have to do something meaningful to help change take place. I can’t just worry about my socio-economic position. I saw a couple of nice documentaries last night. One was called The Corporation, a vivid expose of the utter power and nightmarish effects the modern corporations have upon us all. I didn’t watch the whole thing, but saw enough to get the point. Hopefully I’ll be able to watch it in full another time. The other, I can’t remember the name, was about a lady named Helen Kolnukaff?, who at one point 25 years ago became one of the leaders of the anti-nuclear arms movement by giving up her profession as a medical doctor to travel all around the world and write books about the horrors and politics of nuclear war. In this doc she has written a new book all these years later and struggles to bring people back to the issues in a changing environment of corporate control and mass media and the overall apathy of people today. Although going through many obstacles, she connects on a grassroots level and gradually through her optimistic mentality begins to spark the movement again. She said at one point that a cynic is simply an optimist who has given up.

In seeing these I validated my understanding of the terrible circumstances we face today in society and the great need for change. And I also realized that with determination and faith in God one person can make a difference. But can I be that person?