Their is a significant difference between philosophical understanding and practical practice in devotional life and developing true bhakti. One of these for myself is being equipoised in both happiness and distress and seeing both as krishna’s mercy.
Over the last few weeks and months events happen that push this area into focus with the challenge have I understood or willing to surrender to this; given as in most modern societies especially in the west have developed the blame game, the problems and difficulties are others rather than either our own or simply meant to be.
So what were these events, on the surface appear insignificant however over the years in my fumblings in devotional practice and observing others it appears often the small less significant events that prove the undoing and stalling progress in bhakti.
This was the year that those who work in social care sectors and follow policies knew cuts were coming and so since January I’ve seen a steady reduction in my own working hour’s; despite this I’ve managed to as the saying goes keep my head above water, indeed somehow or other I’ve weathered the storm better than some of my college’s. However a crucial tool is my car having to drive 21,000 miles per year to cover client’s, so all car maintenance is planned on days off; so an overrun of several days on what should have been a 2 hour job brings hardship not only on myself but on those who rely on me and as I don’t want to let my college’s down anxiety manifests.
During this I then am involved in an unfortunate accident to which for me a natural response is anger, being stabbed by a used hypodermic needle is a hazard in health care and over the years have seen such events, now it was my turn but I have been in the profession for 20+ years.
For the past few years indeed this desire has increased significantly to the point were frustration and mental anguish is being felt after assisting the pujaris at The Manor I’ve desired one thing to get to dress and put the deities to bed on the extended weekends I’m their. Sadly this is further away than ever it was my deep desire that this year would be the year it all happens but news of my guru maharaja impending visit and a steady increase in requirements means that personally it feels like a cold knife has been pushed into my fragile heart. Added to the realisation that by the time I find out about my guru maharajas plans he would have either left the country, or too late to arrange cover for my client’s which leaves me in an awkward position; phone in sick so I can see my guru maharaja bringing hardship to my clients or cover my clients bringing hardship and misery to myself.
It’s faced with these what appear insignificant events that being equipoised appears a somewhat fool hearty notion and as we say in Wales a bit of a numpty mentality.
Is it that bad? Well depending on perspective I guess.
The overrun on car repairs was unforseen and out of the hands of both the mechanic and myself, shearing bolts and a small engine bay added time. Yes anxiety is their but knowledge also this is temporary and an end could be seen and it did give an opportunity a wonderful opportunity more japa and reading, as the saying goes in every cloud their is a silver lining more opportunity to hear and read about krishna is indeed a wonderful opportunity.
In every job their is a risk, we have become risk averse blaming others when things go wrong,moving a box in a clients home shouldn’t have resulted in looking at a finger with a needle in it, so being angry may be. But given that I was aware of the individuals lack of comprehension in both their condition and treatment regime I shouldn’t have been surprised. Also knowing their full medical history a full risk to myself can be assessed, this is significant as I’ve seen similar incidents were the risk was either unknown or high. A reminder to remain vigilant and not become complacent for in years of medical practice complacency comes, like it can come in spiritual life so a good reminder if not a little embarrassing.
As to the final blow experienced what to do, everything happens not in my time but krishna’s, the desire remains it may not happen in this lifetime but best not to give up on practice of bhakti. However following a lot of soul searching I’ve made three important discussions:
1) to come out of the mentor system, its great but sadly hasn’t resolved what to do when your 3.5 hours away from the temple unable to do weekly courses and attend regular meetings. And so for me personally brings significant hardships and unbearable financial costs.
2) to stop with the morning transfers and help in the pujari department, although I would encourage those who live close to the temple and able to do the required courses and attend regular mentor meetings this will increase understanding and attachment to krishna
3) to stop giving Srimad Bhagavatam class, this is misleading and cheating mentality as it is meant to be given by second initiated devotee’s so I’m sat giving class under false declaration; may be if I’m fortunate I can give evening Gita class.
Best I just concentrate on helping my dear friend during my extended weekend visit and be happy in this service.
As to seeing my guru maharaja, what to do? Another visit and another year I won’t get to speak directly to him, but best be happy in service this will please in a small way; and at least I’ve got some good association.
As to preaching:
The plans for this years community Diwali is going well, I’m lacking a fantastic cake maker (their going to the holy dhama’s); this will mean again I will be on my own, however a great devotee is writing a small monalog play for me should be good.
And I’ve managed to bring a small group together each fortnight, this is after doing the house to house visits and developing a home gita class, although as some will know it went from a chapter by chapter to a more personal what are your questions and here’s how the Gita can answer. Although I have put further expansion of this on hold.
I’ve this week been asked to help start an online Skype class being asked to speak and run a few, let’s see it will be a good resource especially for devotees like me who live in rural areas with limited devotee contact.
So even in distress if I look internally you can see Krishna’s loving hand, but I’m wondering what others experience are.
