
I was asked why I’m not writing as much and the output on my blog is no were near what it used to be, had my enthusiasm and love of Krishna Consciousness diminished? Or had I finally been completely fried out by ISKCON and ready to admit defeat jump ship to another more open and relaxed group of devotees?
An interesting set of questions don’t you think?
In reality I’ve had a lot of blog postings formed in my head indeed at the moment I’m reading a fantastic book on the Sri Siksastaka prays by HH Bhakti-Tirtha Swami; it’s opening up a lot of realisations; that along with observing my clients and how material energy leads us to suffering and defeat and ultimate frustration.
However at times I’ve had very negative responses especially from a few prominent long term practitioner’s of bhakti, some of whom I respect deeply. But their was for me personal frustration as on occasions they felt I was attacking Iskcon rather than making comments on observations, conversations and feelings of isolation and at worst rejection.
Responding to critical analysis of personal writings can be hard especially when you wonder why your thoughts have been misinterpreted or misunderstood; thoughts being clear and outcome of writing to question or open up a discussion or to highlight here is how some feel how do we deal with this group who feel this way.
It reminded me of a conversation with a university lecturer, they were trying to understand why I could verbalise things but when it came to written work this knowledge appeared to be missing. Why was I struggling with the basics of academia?
Trying to explain proved difficult, personally I disliked the whole academic set up for me nursing is more practical understanding of disease process and rational for treatment is needed; but deep down I couldn’t see how this would achieve my being the person they needed me to be at the side of the bed.
My enthusiasm for study was and remains distinctly lacking.
Plus I’ve struggled and continue to struggle with dislexia, b looks like d some words just don’t look right the page often merges into a big splodge and questions on exam questions just appear like what? I don’t understand.
So your simply labeled a bit thick, stupid, uninterested.
The university was very understanding I got extra time in exam’s, extra time for submitting assignments; but this did not go down well with my cohort who felt this extra time allowed me to cheat after all I had extra thinking or research time. Little realising that most of this was spent writing and rewriting and slumping in bed almost in tears at my inability to do this simple assignment.
Those who had worked with me for years on the ward, understood that this indeed effected my enthusiasm for nursing, nurses now needed degree’s otherwise we were simply unprofessional and no one in society would accept anyone unless they had a degree.
Why am I mentioning this?
Some time ago I sat with a beautiful devotee, their love of krishna always makes me feel inadequate if only I could feel this way?, they are extremely conscientious in their seva making sure it is done as perfectly as they can. I enjoy their company each time we speak I learn more about being humble and service.
For the first time they appeared a little despondent the sparkle was lost in their eye what had happened?
They explained simply this I couldn’t manage the course I was doing my mark is poor and I’m failing I’ve let everyone down especially krishna. The reality was for me this devotee purely by example made me enthusiastic in taking up more fully the process of bhakti, example being more than empirical knowledge.
For me to know a little but to act on this with full heart and soul is better than having great knowledge and doing little little with it or worse just discussing and not acting on it.
I’ve seen since the introduction of degrees in nursing that some individuals would have been the most ideal nurse, through compassion and practical understanding are able to convey and convert this to a bed side manor that benefits the patient intensely. But they leave due to the burden of academia and I sigh seeing another fantastic bedside nurse leave.
I myself am now struggling under the pressure of spiritual academia, my worthiness as a devotee hangs on form’s, and exams and later on soon course’s; the worst thing that could happen for individuals like me. My perception of self as a devotee now appears to be one of big failure my mind says give up they don’t want you only those who can do courses and exam’s.
I sit here wondering how do I personally remain enthusiastic as doors appears to be being slammed in my face? How do I remain enthusiastic about reading despite its difficulty because I just want to learn more in my own time slowly steadily without external time pressures and anxieties? How do I impart this enthusiasm to others and encourage them to do more no matter how much knowledge or how little knowledge?
Now I feel incomplete incompetent simply because I know my weakness will mean courses with exams will mean deep failure my dislexia will trip me up and become my undoing.
But the mind always wants us to feel a failure irrelevant especially in spiritual life our biggest battle in bhakti is not with others but the mind.
And I’m reminded of the wonderful devotee conclusion as they lamented their own sense of failure whilst doing the course, I guess its not meant to be so best just do what I’m good at for Krishna.
And maybe that’s what’s it all about we may not succeed in different area’s but if we do our best with what we have we should be satisfied with that, even of others may see us a failures. Just continue in service and growing in bhakti.
So doors have closed, opportunities lost, committees will assign me as a failure and reject my request which will allow me to fulfil my desire but if I love my Guru Maharaja the devotee’s and Sri Krishna I shall continue regardless.
And maybe by example rather than words will inspire other’s.