Podcast
Transcription
Question: If someone hurts us repeatedly, is that because of our past karma?
Answer: A lot depends on specifics, but I will give some broad principles.
There is a love that guards and there is a love that guides. That means that love is the same, but if a small child, maybe two or three years old, goes and, while playing with a ball, breaks the neighbour’s window, the parents will say it’s okay, do not worry about it, we will pay for it. Now, if a child does something wrong, the parents stand next to the child and guard the child from the results. But if a teenager or adult child does something like that, then at that time, it is the love that has to guide. If the parents keep guarding the child from the consequences of their actions, then what happens? The child keeps doing the wrong thing. Guarding children from the consequences of their actions in the name of love is actually a disservice to them.
I was in Connecticut, I had gone to a seminar on spirituality and mental health and addictions. A whole group of addicts and their family members were there. There was one man who was a little older, 65 to 70 years, and there was a girl with him who was five years old. After the class, I was talking with them. They were both Americans. He told me that she is his granddaughter. He said that his daughter had become a drug addict and she was taking more and more drugs. She would borrow money from me and never return. Then I retired and one day she broke into my house and stole all of my life savings. Not only that, while she went to get a big haul of drugs, she left her daughter in her home alone and there’s some kind of electrical wiring which went off, and there was a fire. I had to run and save her at that time. When both of these incidents happened in quick succession, till then I was trying to help her. But then I did a court case against her due to which she had to go to a de-addiction center. Then I filed for custody of my granddaughter. At that time my daughter was very angry with me. She said what kind of father are you? You are taking my own daughter away from me and sending me to jail. She is still in the addiction centre getting treatment. She is gradually becoming a little sober. She is understanding that what I did for her was good. Even after she comes out, she’s not going to get her daughter back. My granddaughter is going to be with me.
That is an extreme example. But in general, if somebody is an addict, bot only they are to be counselled, but often their family members also have to be counselled. There is a concept called codependency. Codependency means that the addict’s care providers unwittingly start facilitating the addict’s addiction. So the addict may get drunk or go high. And after every episode, their significant other picks up all the pieces. If they keep doing that, that person is not hit by the consequences of their actions, then they keep doing it more and more and more.
Sometimes letting people suffer the consequences of their actions is love. It’s painful because there is no easy way. We don’t want them to hurt, but we don’t want us to also get hurt. These are decisions that have to be taken very carefully. As I said, a lot will depend on the specifics. But the principle is that if that particular suffering which we are getting is because of that person’s misuse of free will, then at the very least we should stop giving them power over us. If an addict is squandering all the money of a family member and this family member calls this to be due to his karma. Well, it’s not karma, that’s irresponsibility. It requires courage to take a stand.
Everybody commits mistakes and we cannot come thundering down on people for one or two mistakes. However, if something is being done repeatedly to worse and worse degrees, then at the very least we have to create some distance. Specifically how we do that will vary.
Sometimes the situation might be different. If somebody is autistic or has some other mental developmental issues because of which they are aggressive and hurt others, we understand they are not consciously doing it, then it’s a different dynamic. Therefore, we should check the specifics.
Broadly speaking, we have to look at things from the perspective of what is the best for that person, but what is also the best for us. If we are drowning ourselves in trying to help them, then they will drown and we will also drown. It is not selfish to think of our basic survival needs. That is intelligence.
Beyond that, if you are thinking only of ourselves, then that is a problem. It is like say in aeroplanes it is said that whenever there is an emergency, first put the mask on yourself, then put it on your children. Why? Because if we try to put it on the children first, we might not be able to reach them. Before that, we might succumb and they may not be able to put it on their own. So, there are times when our very life is itself becoming unbearable due to other’s repeated misdoings, then some appropriate action is required.
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