
The Struggle To Feel Alive With A Passion To Give.
I must discover and name my gift—yes, that is a practice, but more.
I must also share it now, not just keep talking about it,
like a prisoner in a cage,
because I will never be completely ready
to be who I want and pray to be.
I used to be a workshop and training junkie,
wanting titles and certifications,
but it was never enough,
because inside of myself
I didn’t feel worthy to teach,
feeling incomplete and insufficient,
thinking my sad past story defined me.
It has taken having to face my imminent death by cancer
that I have been forced to actually live each day as fully as I can—
thinking I can, I will, I must, I am living my true purpose
one moment, hour, day, week, year, and life at a time.
There is no time like the present, and that is all I have,
that, and my desire to love and serve, to give to make a difference.
I need to be a teacher of essential truth,
now, from my lifetime of becoming,
accepting that I, and we, are always a work in progress,
but we don’t have to wait till perfection to give.
I have learned that by giving who we are now,
we become more than we could have ever imagined.
We don’t just wake up one day fully formed and realized
but it happens gradually, like the sun rising, or the coming of spring.
As it is said, the journey of a thousand miles begins
with the first step, so I, and we, have to step forward,
instead of hesitating in fear and doubt and complaining,
remaining in the background of what could have been
and then dying angry and resentful that we stopped short.
I, and we, have to make room for our gifts
which is as simple as giving love and caring
at every moment through our natural daily rhythm of being.
By living through my spiritual practice of prayer, worship,
studying scriptures and the practical knowledge from the wise,
I deepen who I am, and joyfully become my gifts and loving service
which give me life and inspiration, to share who I am.
As I focus on the Lord of my heart
to gain a oneness in spiritual purpose
and strength, so I can be, speak, and write
my confidence in my divine packing
believing in myself and encouraging you
to do the same—which is why I share.
I realize that while I have to be self-reliant while depending on God
I also need to help you by giving myself and all I have learned—
one truth of which, as difficult and foreign as it is to accept:
The greatest gift we have to give is ourselves—first to God
and then to everyone else, to be emissaries of the spiritual Light,
for me the devotional life of bhakti, or loving service to
the divine couple, Radha and Krishna, through their remembrance
and fully taking the holy name as my constant companion
as given by the kirtana and prema avatar,
Shri Chaitanya, & his agents, my mentors and companions.
Karnamrita Das