I got up abit late this morning. Although my stomach has settled down, I'm still missing alot of the strength I previously had. I tried to get up at 4, but didn't make it out of bed until 5. Which I guess isn't so bad.
My japa this morning was a little bit distracted. In a few of his seminars on good chanting, Ravindra-svarupa Prabhu talks about different kinds of inattentiveness in the chanting of the Holy Names. He talks about 'good idea' japa (I don't think he actually uses that term). This happens when the mind becomes calm by chanting and focusing on the mantra, but as a result of this clarity, the mind starts to think clearly about some problem/philosophical point/plan/anything, and we get the feeling that we are really making progress on that thing, but in the meantime, we totally miss out on hearing the Holy Name, which is what our japa is really all about. Ravindra-svarupa relays that once he brought one of his lecturers or tutors to the temple, and during kirtana this guest was dancing and chanting enthusiastically. Afterwards, Ravindra-svarupa Prabhu asked him what he thought. He replied "That was great! I had so many great ideas!".
There is a risk with this kind of japa that one will mistake their coming up with good ideas for actual progress in devotional service. It's an anartha which can grow beside the bhakti-lata, and we can mistake it for Krsna consciousness, but it's not, it's actually a distraction and it causes inattentiveness.
Anyway, that was my japa this morning. And during this distracted japa I discovered an anartha that I did't really expect to find, nor do I like it very much. It kind of relates to Prabhupada's famous purport in the Bhagavad-gita, Chapter 4, text 10: "Being freed from attachment, fear and anger, being fully absorbed in Me and taking refuge in Me, many, many persons in the past became purified by knowledge of Me — and thus they all attained transcendental love for Me."
The purport can be seen online -
http://www.bhavagadgitaasitis.com/4/10/enIn this purport, Prabhupada explains how material attachments, and the resulting let downs, lead one to actually reject personalism, and be so afraid of actual personal relationships that one comes up with so many other theories, concepts etc just to escape having to deal with what it actually means to be a person, to have real loving relationships.
Anyway, I realised today that one of my major problems in Krsna consciousness is related to this. Our hearts are like fine china, and when they are hurt, they really get damaged. We have hopes for what relationships hold, and we place so much in this hope, that when this hope comes crashing down, our hearts are totally and utterly crushed. And instantly, we aren't able to put our hearts into an endeavour like that ever again. We hold back alot. We don't trust anymore. We don't want to risk that heartache again. And with good reason.
I noticed this once when I was young. I thought it was a sign of material detachment, but looking at it now, it was a result of being smashed while being materially attached. I had a girlfriend, who I was very attached to. I was young, and never really had a girlfriend before, so I was head over heels. This is why I kind of, cynically, understand what that boy Kana was going through, (mentioned in a previous entry -
http://xmeatlessx.livejournal.com/24224.html?). I put alot of emotional effort into that, and ended up thoroughly battered by the end of it. And thus, in some way, there was a resolution that took place in my heart - I was not prepared to allow myself to be that vulnerable again!
And I didn't. In the only other relationship I had in my life, which happened about half a year later, my heart was not even remotely there. It wasn't going to be even if I wanted it to be. The classic example of once bitten, twice shy.
Anyway, don't worry, this isn't just some nostalgic blog update. This has practical applications to Krsna consciousness.
As Prabhupada points out in the purport to 4.10 "...because they are too materially absorbed, the conception of retaining the personality after liberation from matter frightens them. When they are informed that spiritual life is also individual and personal, they become afraid of becoming persons again, and so they naturally prefer a kind of merging into the impersonal void." Prabhupada often gives the example of a sick person. When a person is suffering very much, simply eating in bed, passing urine and stool in bed, bathing just by a sponge bath, totally suffering...and if you were to go to that person and say "when you are better you will be able to run, dance, eat cake, and enjoy", the sick person will just scoff. His conception of these things are all full of suffering due to his sick condition, so he can't concieve of these activities ever causing happiness, therefore he would rather just end it all, commit suicide.
This is what happens when our hearts are trampled by limited material relationships. We think "Forget the whole thing! I put in so much effort, so much emotion, so much heart, and now? Pain! I will never do that again!" Of course, we don't know that in a healthy condition of existance, the greatest pleasure possible can only be gained through establishing real relationships with Krsna and His devotees, which absorb every drop of emotional potential we have.
So, because of material experience, my heart is holding back. Deep inside there is a feeling like "I know what it's like to give my heart fully over, it's a risk I'm not willing to take." Thus, in my relationships with the devotees, and in my relationships with my Gurudeva, there is resistance. I'm not putting in my full emotional effort, because I fear that if I do, I will be let down.
This means that in my japa I am not putting my full hearts energies into calling out for Krsna, because, afterall, perhaps He will leave my heart trampled as well.
Of course, this isn't true. Krsna, the most merciful personality, the most attractive reservoir of all pleasure, is not going to trample the hearts of His devotees. My Gurudeva, who is an abode of mercy, is not going to misuse my dedication to him. And the devotees, who are full of compassion on all the fallen, conditioned souls, are not going to trample my heart. But the conception is there, this fear of personalism which results from material attachments and material experiences.
I long so much for the day when my full hearts efforts can be put into calling out Krsna's name, into serving my Gurudeva with firm dedication, and into my every interaction with the devotees of the Lord. And I beg the blessings of all the Vaisnava's that one day this will be a reality.
